Knights Lady Read online

  “Shania isn’t a liar,” I point out, huffily.

  “No, she’s not. Her feelings and her story are most certainly very real, but so are his. She had her reasons, he had his. You know what I mean?”

  Of course I do. I do know Shania came on too strong, I also know she was in a bad place when she got pregnant. I saw more than one fight between them, hell, some of them I remember like it was yesterday. She was angry, he became angry, and the threats got thrown around. It was messy, it truly was. But, I guess Damon is right, I’ve only ever heard Shania’s side, because that was the only side I truly cared about.

  But last night, Nicolai made me feel bad.

  He made me feel judgy.

  And I don’t like being judgy.

  I don’t like being that person.

  “Do you think I should go and say sorry to him?” I ask, biting my bottom lip.

  “Do you think you should?”

  I snort. “Stop answering my questions with a question. I want your opinion, because I don’t know what to do, but I do feel bad, because I did just attack him and that isn’t really fair. I’ve judged him purely on Shania, and also because he was clearly a douche back then, but maybe that was a bit unfair, you know?”

  Damon shrugs. “Only you know the answer to that.”

  “Do you think it would piss Shania off if I went and apologized to him? Or worse, heard him out?”

  “Probably, yeah,” Damon tells me honestly. “But you’ve done the damage, only you can decide if you just let it go or if you need to apologize.”

  I exhale. “I’ll just tell her, and then at least I’m not being dishonest.”

  “Good idea.”

  “Then I’ll go apologize, because I do think I need to.”

  Damon grins and puts his hands out. “Would you look at that, you really did have the answers all along!”

  “Nobody likes a douche, Damon!” I laugh.

  He shoves my shoulder lightly. “I simply guide you to finding your own answer, that way I can’t be held responsible if you take my advice and it’s wrong and you fuck up.”

  “Smart,” I praise him.

  He grins. “Oh, yes, I know.”

  I laugh.

  Yep, Damon is going to be my best friend whether he likes it or not.

  “OH, THAT SOUNDS BAD,” Shania says, frowning. “Explains why he was snappy when I dropped Tommy off this morning.”

  “Sorry,” I say, giving her my best sympathetic smile. “I didn’t mean to piss him off. I guess ... I don’t know, I just don’t like him, you know?”

  Shania nods. “Yeah, I know. But I guess he’s right, he probably doesn’t deserve to be fully judged. I mean, I was a lot to blame. I kind of clung onto him like some sort of stage-5 clinger. He made his intentions pretty clear from the start, I just chose not to hear them. So, there’s no point in hating him. It’s in the past, that’s where I’m trying to leave it all anyway. For Tommy’s sake.”

  Dammit.

  Voice of reason our Shania.

  “Well now I feel really bad for being horrible to him.”

  Shania laughs. “Don’t feel entirely bad, he does deserve some of it.”

  I grin. “True, he does. Anyway, I’m letting you know, because I’m going to go and apologize. Because it wasn’t the right thing to do, and I certainly don’t want any tension between any of us, for Tommy.”

  Shania studies me, then shrugs. “Yeah, that’s fine. Thanks for telling me. And I agree. I don’t want any more tension. I’d like you to be in Tommy’s life. I mean, you are his aunty after all.”

  I nod. “Damn right I am. Best aunty in the world, too.”

  Shania laughs. “Well, we’ll see about that. You need to look after him for a night and keep him alive before I give you that title.”

  “Hey!” I cry, laughing. “I’m not that bad.”

  She giggles. “I’m certain you are that bad.”

  I finish up my lunch date with Shania, and now that I’ve gotten the all clear from her, I head over to Nicolai’s place and hope he’s home. He’s got Tommy, so he probably is. Plus, it’s a Sunday. Nobody likes going out on a Sunday, right? Not me, anyway, yet here I am, driving over to his house, wondering what the hell I’m even bothering for.

  Then I think about Tommy.

  And how hard Shania fought.

  And I’m not going to be the reason any tension is brought back in.

  I arrive at Nicolai’s house just after two in the afternoon. I stayed at Shania’s a little longer than I planned, but that’s okay, we had fun. I like hanging out with her. I get out of the car and stare up at the big house. I’m not usually a fan of apologies, or taking back my words, but, you know, I can be the bigger person if I absolutely have to be.

  In this case I do.

  I walk up to the front door and knock. Nicolai doesn’t answer.

  Huffing, I bang on it again. His car is here, I know he’s home.

  “Do you always get so angry when someone doesn’t answer the door?”

  I spin around and see Nicolai standing behind me, shirtless and covered in sweat. He’s holding some sort of gardening shears in his hand, and holy lord, my knees go a little weak. What a body. I’m a woman, and there is no way my instincts can do anything but force me to look at the perfection sitting in front of me. Utter perfection. No doubt about it.

  I can see why Shania got a little lovey dovey when she was around him.

  It’s truly hard not to.

  I force my eyes to stay on his, even though they really, really, really want to travel down the length of his body, over every hard muscle, exploring every inch.

  But that would be inappropriate.

  I’m not one to be inappropriate.

  I’m laughing on the inside because what a lie.

  Anyway, back to Nicolai.

  “I didn’t pick you as the gardening type,” I say, crossing my arms and trying to act casual.

  My heart is racing.

  Why is it racing?

  Am I nervous? Why the hell am I nervous?

  It can’t be him, it must be because I’m being forced to apologize to a man I despised for so long.

  Nicolai shrugs, those intense yet dazzling green eyes fixed on mine. “I didn’t pick you as the type to come and apologize.”

  “What makes you think that’s what I’m here for?” I say quickly, narrowing my eyes and keeping my arms crossed.

  “Am I wrong?”

  I purse my lips.

  “Apology accepted.”

  I snort. “I didn’t say anything. The way you’re going, you won’t be getting that apology.”

  “I’ve already accepted it.”

  I bite my lip, trying not to laugh. Banter. Nicolai knows how to banter. He always seems so serious, this definitely comes as a surprise.

  “Well, I didn’t offer it, so you can’t accept it if I didn’t offer it.”

  His lip quirks. Dammit, why can’t he be ugly?

  It would be far easier right about now.

  “Do you want a drink, Lucy? Then you can get into detail about how sorry you are.”

  “That depends,” I say, uncrossing my arms and following him when he starts toward the front door.

  “On what?” he calls.

  “Is the drink alcoholic?”

  He makes what almost sounds like a chuckle. “Always.”

  I follow him into the house, glancing around properly now I’m in here without all the people. It’s a nice place, he’s decorated it well. I like it, for a single man.

  “Where’s Tommy?” I ask him.

  “He’s with my sister. He stays over every Sunday with her son. They love it.”

  “You have a sister?” I question.

  “Yeah.”

  “I didn’t know that.”

  He stops and looks back at me. “It would appear you don’t know much about me at all.”

  Probably true.

  “No need to rub it in, buddy. Keep it up, and no apology.” br />
  He grins at me, and holy shit. Hot. So hot. “I always did like you.”

  “So you’ve told me.”

  He gets us both a beer and we go out onto the back deck and sit down on some epic chairs that are really damned comfortable. I sip the drink and stare, wondering how I’m supposed to suck it up and just do this. I have to. So I can get out of here and we can all live happily ever after.

  That’s how it goes, right?

  Probably not.

  When is life ever that easy?

  But I have to do the right thing, for my sister.

  “Look,” I say, taking another sip for courage, “I’m sorry, okay? Sorry for judging you without even knowing your side. I hope you understand that Shania is my sister, so I was always going to have her back, but that didn’t mean I needed to be a bitch to you. I don’t know you and, in the end, the situation isn’t mine, it’s hers. You don’t deserve me to be horrible, you’ve both lived through enough nasty to last you a lifetime.”

  He’s quiet for a second, and I wonder if he’s contemplating how to tell me my apology was epic, because it really was. But I meant it. He doesn’t deserve to hear shit from me; I’m sure he’s gotten enough over the years from Shania and everyone else involved in their issues.

  “That apology was okay, I suppose.”

  I snort. “It was epic!”

  “It wasn’t epic, it was so-so.”

  “How was it so-so?”

  “It sounded, you know, rehearsed.”

  I laugh. “I rehearse nothing. The words that come out of my mouth are exactly what I’m thinking in the moment and nothing less.”

  He looks over at me. “You’re right, I’d believe that. Okay, apology accepted.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Wasn’t so hard, now was it?”

  “It was harder than you think.”

  He smiles a little, and we sit in silence for a moment.

  “You know you have to tell me now, right?” I say, staring over at him. “I mean, you told me off for judging you without knowing, so now I want to know. Then, at least, I can call you an asshole and truly have reason.”

  He grunts, and then murmurs, “Your sister know you’re here?”

  “Firstly, that just sounded weird. Like I’m doing something wrong. I’m not. And secondly, yes, she does.”

  More silence.

  “Are you going to tell me, or should I leave?”

  He doesn’t look at me and I’m sure he’s about to tell me to leave but, instead, he starts talking.

  “I’ll tell you, but you have to listen. From start to finish. No interruptions. No ‘but Shania told me this’ nothing. And you have to be open minded. I’ll say it exactly how it was, for me anyway. You have to look at it as if I’m talking about anyone but your sister. I’m not saying Shania didn’t have all the right to feel the way she did, and I’m not putting her down, know that. But I don’t lie. I tell the truth and that’s what you’ll get. Raw and open. You handle that?”

  He turns finally and looks to me, eyes intense. He’s not messing around. He’s going to lay it all out for me. I probably don’t have to hear this. Really, if we’re looking into it, I should just leave and be done with it. But curiosity killed that cat, remember? And I’m curious. I’ve always been curious. The story, it’s so intense, so complicated, and I’ve only ever heard the one side.

  I’ll always be on Shania’s side. Always.

  But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear how Nicolai saw it.

  I wonder if Shania will be mad at me for listening?

  Probably. But, I’ll be honest with her.

  She’ll get over it, I’m sure.

  “Yeah,” I say, sipping my drink and leaning back in the chair, getting comfortable. “I can handle that.”

  He takes a drink, too. He looks forward again and starts talking.

  “When Shania came to me, she was naive. No doubt about it. She had this innocence about her, and yet she had the balls to come into my club and ask for a job. She stripped down when I asked her to, confident even though I knew inside she was crapping herself. She had something, something that I knew would send the men over the edge. Something most strippers don’t have...innocence. So, I took her on. She was young, younger than I usually like, but she held her own so I gave her a shot.”

  It’s hard for me to think about Shania like that, stripping down in front of a stranger. She was always the better one, always stronger, always more grown up. She helped me when I was still in school, she did it all for me. I’ll be forever grateful for that, maybe even more so now I’m hearing just how it must have been for her to go in there and bare everything.

  “I was right,” Nicolai goes on, “she drew in the crowd. I was seeing Yana at the time, and it became apparent she didn’t like Shania. She was taking her shine. Not to mention, Shania had a crush on me. Was obvious, probably to everyone but her. I kept my distance as much as possible, but I knew she had a bit of a thing for me. Time went on, things kept happening that kept bringing her to me.”

  Shania did always tell me she had a crush on Nicolai. Of course, it wasn’t until after I found out about everything, before then she denied it, and I’m guessing that’s because deep down she knew it probably wasn’t a good idea.

  “Shania and Yana clashed, Shania and I kissed, and I told her, outright, that I wasn’t interested in her like that. Don’t get me wrong, she was fuckin’ lovely, and it was hard staying away. I questioned myself. I wanted to fuck her. I’m a man. She was hot. She kept pushing. I made the mistake of letting it happen. I thought I made it clear, I told her what it was, but she read it wrong and things started becoming more complicated. She wanted something from me that I wasn’t willing to give.”

  Ouch.

  That must have sucked in so many ways.

  I know Nicolai took Shania’s virginity. That part, he shouldn’t have done.

  “Knew she was a virgin,” he says, as if reading my mind. “Knew I shouldn’t have fucked her. Fuck, I knew it the second I did it. But, like I said, I was attracted to her, I’m a man, I took what was available. Didn’t think it would go so far. You know what happened after, things went sour, she got a little out of control, very clingy, and then she got pregnant and I’d made it very fuckin’ clear that I didn’t want anything. So, yeah, I was pissed at first. But I’m not a dog. I wasn’t going to leave her with nothing.”

  My heart hurts hearing this. It really does.

  Kind of for him, a lot for Shania.

  “We discussed adoption. We talked about all the options. We fought so much through her pregnancy, I don’t know how the fuck we didn’t kill each other. It was never going to work. There was too much resentment. She told me she was giving the baby up and that was that. But I didn’t want that. Call me selfish, but that was my child. My baby. I didn’t want to be left with no choice.”

  My heart definitely aches now for him. Because we as women have the higher power, we get to make the choices, and that must be hard sometimes on the men. Because, like in Nicolai’s case, sometimes they actually want to be part of the child’s life.

  “She wasn’t going to move on it. When she had Tommy, I wasn’t allowed in. Fuck, I knew what she was going to do. She was going to take my son. My baby. She was going to give him up because we couldn’t get along. Don’t get me wrong, I knew her reasoning. She was young, she was scared, and we did nothing but fight. She wanted the best life for that little boy, and I respect her for that, but he was mine. Do you understand me? Mine. And I loved him the moment I laid eyes on him.”

  Oh, boy. My heart aches. I practically skull the drink so I don’t let any emotion show because damn, I feel for him, and her. I really do.

  “So, I played nice. I knew what I was going to do. Was it wrong? Yes, yes it fucking was. But in that moment, I could only see that baby. If she was going to give him up anyway, why the hell shouldn’t it be to me? I wanted him. I wanted it. I wasn’t thinking clearly, I know that. It had b
een a long fuckin’ nine months. So, I did the worst thing I could have done. I took her baby.”

  God. I’m going to cry.

  But I keep it together.

  “I didn’t think of my actions until I’d done it, but I’d made my choice. I knew it would break her heart, I knew it as surely as I breathed, but I also knew I couldn’t live—no, I couldn’t fuckin’ live without that baby and she wasn’t going to let me have him. No words would have made her change her mind. Sure, I could have fought it, taken it through the legal system, but that would have been even worse, even more horrendous. Even uglier.”

  He’s right, it would have been.

  Tommy would have suffered a lot more then.

  “So, I fucked up. I don’t regret it, though. Don’t get me wrong. Having my son with me, raising him, it has been the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I love that boy more than I have ever loved a single other thing. I did it all, and I did it with love. Every feed, every diaper, every single minute of it. I recorded a lot of it for Shania. I knew one day she’d find me and I knew we’d have to work it out, but I didn’t want her to miss it.”

  “Does she know?” I ask, carefully. “You recorded it all?”

  “No, not yet she doesn’t. When the time is right, I’ll give it all to her. I feel it’s still too raw.”

  He’s probably right about that.

  “I know, deep down, she’ll appreciate that.”

  He nods. “I know what I did was wrong, believe me when I say that. I knew it the moment I did it, but I also knew if I went back, I’d lose him forever. I had to follow through with my plan. Can’t change things now, not even sure I would if I could, because having that child in my life has made everything worth it for me again.”

  Shit.

  Stop it, throat, stop getting tight.

  We do not like this man, body. Remember?

  He’s the bad guy.

  But is he, is he really?

  I don’t know.

  If I’m being honest and separating myself from it, I’d say that they were both wrong and both right. They both made mistakes. Shania attached herself to Nicolai when he made it clear he wasn’t into it and that it was just sex, and then Nicolai didn’t walk away or even fire her when he probably should have.